How many good ideas come to mind when you are trying to get to sleep. It's almost as if the more urgent the desire to sleep then the better and more urgent your good ideas are.
I've been struggling to get myself to write down my thoughts. Why write them down in the first place? At the very least its an activity that forces me to try be more concise in my ideas; often the idea comes to mind but when I attempt to write it down I have questions - Is that correct? Is that accurate or true? Does it accurately convey what I was attempting to get across? What exactly was I trying to express?
At the very least I can try start with something that has been bothering me for a while. Unfortunately most of the time I can't pinpoint what it is or how it came about, even though most of the time I roughly know what it is. Ironically there are moments of clarity where I feel like yelling 'It's obviously that! So simple!' but I'll be damned if that stays in mind long enough for me to remember it.
There seem to be various aspects of it that manifest.
Sometimes I'm afraid of falling apart like I did before, sometimes that I'm afraid of failure, or failure to adjust.
How can I trust myself in any aspect.
How can I trust myself to think.
How can I trust myself to make correct decisions.
How can I trust myself to not be overly swayed by other people.
Heck, how can I trust myself to be honest and true?
To myself?
To other people?
Under pressure?
It bothers me how many times I've lied or stretched the truth because I didn't want others to see me badly, or even simply because I was under pressure.
I think one thing and say another, words sliding off the tongue like water out an open mouth.
Even at the time I felt damned. Damned that I got myself in that situation. Damned that I wasn't diligent in trying to correct it when I even conceived the possibility of things going awry.
Damned because I still don't know to what end I could have done anything more or better.
Damned because even when I tried to do everything correctly problems came to me and seemed to fester.
Sometimes I think that my perception of the situation was inaccurate. A relative approach. I think that's a part of it, part of that is true.
Thinking back I remember that I was concerned of others perception of me (or my perception of their perception of me. Whatever.), particularly when it came to doing what was expected to me. Oh boy, this becomes complicated.
Was I trying too hard to fit in?
Placed too high an importance in some social aspect?
Was I too concerned about doing the wrong thing that this lead me to doing the wrong thing?
I was definitely out my comfort zone.
It's weird. While I was in, all my thoughts and actions were in a bubble.
Now I'm out and trying to remember what was in the bubble it all seems absurd.
I found it very difficult to find a balance of being myself and fitting in.
It seemed that no matter how I tried to fit in I just wouldn't. I always seemed to draw attention and have people think I'm strange. Like how did I do this? Did I not do exactly the same as everyone else? How do you stand out when you do what you're told and follow the group?
I do remember having a fear that the rules would change suddenly or specifically just for me. In a way I wasn't wrong. Rules were ... ugh ... so dependent on the person. Set in stone rules would be overlooked some days and overly enforced on others.
And the attitude to learning/teaching. Fuck me sideways then fuck me dead.
One size fits all teaching method (of which you're expected to become perfect at extremely quickly) with students who won't do anything more than the bare minimum. Imagine getting a talking to by your colleagues because you asked a question during a lesson; how are you going to learn or understand what you're doing?
Oh wait, drill method with no thought or understanding.
I can't find the right way of explaining this. A lot of the time what I try to explain doesn't seem to encapsulate the whole situation.
Is a free person still free if they willingly place themselves in chains and follows the direction of another person?
Why was I not able to fit in? Not able to do the right thing? Why did what happened happen?
Some people were happy with what I did and others were not.
How do I determine the how's and why's?
How and Why should I act?
Just because someone wasn't happy with me or what I'm doing does that mean I was in the wrong?
Even if someone is happy with me or what I'm doing does that mean I'm doing the right thing?
