Just some quick notes on what's been happening with the meds. Brain is falling apart so hopefully I remember my points tomorrow.
Started 3rd Nov 22. First two to three days were the most intense. New chemical in the system. Unwanted effects were the headache, dry mouth, slight dehydration, going to the toilet more, and disrupted sleep, e.g., waking up multiple times through the night, and/or poor sleep quality.
I also was becoming incredibly tired between 2-4pm, often needing to lie down for a tad then I'd be good till about 8-9pm. I thought this to be a result of the dose timing, and I think that is remains true.
Oddly I've found myself shifting from a 'night owl' to a 'morning lark'. I used to have trouble getting to sleep before 12am and waking up before 8am, but now I find myself waking up around 7am and ready to sleep by 11pm. I've decided to just run with it and shift everything to match it.
I haven't been running out of motivation as quickly. Best analogy I could think of at this time of night. Basically doing things has become so much easier to do. I don't feel like I'm fighting myself every step of the way. Getting out of bed is easy, starting almost any task is so much easier, staying focused, paying attention, remembering,,,, so much easier. Something I struggled with constantly is showering after the gym. I'd get home and just need several hours to recover before being able to get myself to the shower. Now I get back home from the gym and go shower almost immediately. It's a huge relief to just be able to do something like that without having to fight myself every step of the way. After the shower I do something else, like reading, organising my room, planning, ect. Some mornings I've managed to get 2-3 tasks done between showering after the gym and lunch time ... 2-3 different tasks used to be the limit of what I often could do a day. Being able to read through more complex texts without constantly forgetting or being zoning off is no longer a chore.
One analogy I've been somewhat using is that of driving a car. Driving a car that runs out of fuel quickly, with the handbrake partially on, several music stations playing, several news stations discussing something important, someone in the passenger seat trying to have a deep conversation with you, someone in the back trying to get your attention with a bunch of interrupting methods, no idea what is going on with the third person in the car but they're really upset with you for something, and you need to get to the fuel station, workplace, the museum, and possibly somewhere else but you're not sure where.
When taking the meds, suddenly the music and news stations get quieter or go away, the passengers are quieter, more patient and not trying to talk over each other, or constantly trying to grab your attention, the third person isn't upset with you for something, the handbrake is down, the fuel leakage has slowed down a lot, and you realise that your GPS now shows the route you need to take to drop the third passenger off at the museum, fill up fuel and get to work on time.
20 Days later: The last 20 days taking the meds has been enlightening; definitely provided a contrast to how I've been living/functioning to that of 'normal' people. Most side effects are no longer present. I've still been having some issues with sleep quality, but my overall circadian rhythm remains consistent. I find myself waking up around 7am with a positive mood and although I try to sleep for a bit longer due to the general low quality of sleep, when I do decide to actually 'wake up' and get going then it's a lot easier to do so. It becomes a case of making the decision to get up then enacting it, rather than making the decision and finding myself struggling against myself to do just that. I used to force myself downstairs to make a coffee and breakfast then return to my room to slowly wake up. If I came across anyone during the day then I'd often have short conversations with them before running out of steam. With the meds it's a little different and I have a differing perspective. For a start I don't need to put in extra effort just to pay attention to what's being said and forming thought out sentences, but also I can track what's been said, what my thoughts and feelings are, what thoughts and emotions they have and are expressing, to a degree I can pull up relevant info at will, and not forget about all the things I was going to do just then or for the whole day (something that bothered me; was disruptive.).
So, getting going in the morning is easier. It's easier to have conversations with people as I can pay attention easier, pay attention to more things, and keep track of plans and actions. Another thing, although I do try practice it as well, is mentally putting aside the things I want to talk about to let the other person speak so that my own thoughts aren't, I guess, 'louder' than the other person.
In general, being able to plan and enact has been significantly improved. Nor does doing this require a huge effort that sucks up most of my energy for the day. Starting and finishing tasks, even if I don't particularly feel like doing them, has become effortless in most instances.
An example would be mornings where I go to the gym: getting ready (mentally and emotionally) is barely an issue, I'm consistently arriving at the time I've set to arrive at instead of being inconsistent, being able to remember what stretches I need or want to do and change them as needed without needing a list or other reminders, remembering subsequent exercises, remembering rep and set counts, remembering conversation topics, are more things that have become substantially easier to do (to the point where I can do them all simultaneously), I'm finding myself a lot more emotionally stable and no longer finding myself getting easily flustered/frustrated over mistakes or having other easy mood swings, and when I get home I'm not so drained in all aspects that I spend a couple hours on the computer or phone before getting myself into the shower and instead I'm able to get home, play with Minnie, talk with housemates, shower, and start cooking lunch before 1130 (not to mention that the gym session ends a little later than with Tys, ~1005, and I'm getting home around 1025). Before 1130 I have the freedom to do something else although often I catch up on the idle mobile game I've running.
Something else I've noticed is how consistent my mood and emotions have been, compared to what they used to be. At first I thought that it was the euphoria from the meds that fuelled my good mood, and they probably do to a degree, but I'm finding that even when I feel them wearing off or when I wake up before taking them that I'm still in that consistent good mood. I haven't been as easily swayed by negative emotions or thoughts, things that bother me. I still do get bothered by stuff, however they don't become as extreme or consuming, and it's easier to return myself to that good mood.
A couple more observations that I remember. Not feeling as strong a desire to (binge) eat junk or sugary foods, and not feeling like I constantly need to be playing games (more specifically, LoL). Like I still enjoy playing LoL but no longer feel a constant need to be playing it, or to be sitting at the computer getting lost in video's or games.
That's all I can think of currently.
I suspect that I'd benefit from a higher dose but I'm more than happy to sit at this current dose for a while, iron out some kinks, and practice improving executive function skills. Another thing is that the dose is low enough that it reminds me, in a sense, of what it was like before I started taking them, but I feel those memories are starting to become distant.
I don't wish to become addicted on them. I may have to accepted dependence, I'm dependent on glasses already, but to become addicted is something I'd very much hope to avoid. I feel a part of me would slip into addiction if it got the chance, but in saying that, as long as I don't decide to start taking more for the high then I should be fine. There is the possibility that worrying about it too much will keep it on my mind and increase the likelihood of a spontaneous decision to take an extra one or two.
