A couple days ago, my mother said that she remembers when my father made the decision to move from Renmark to Waikerie, to work for Agri-Tech, and when both myself and my brother were told this we both burst into tears.
I remember that in Waikerie I began feeling overall disconnected, even though at the Lutheran school I was starting to fit in and make friends, this feeling became more pronounced when I started at the high school.
I don't remember this feeling in Renmark, although I think it possibly existed at some level.
I definitely don't remember feeling consistently anxious or detached. I do remember moments where I felt anxious, confused, detached, etc., however not as a consistent state/mood.
I'm currently not sure how else to describe that period in time.
Maybe I could make a note on detachment.
I did feel some detachment, more similar to how I felt (or remembered feeling) at Gateway. Floating between individuals, groups, activities, and locations. At times dreaming. I did feel a disconnection with culture and history, and personal experiences.
I remember times where I'd watch a larger group of more 'popular' kids play together on/near the playground and eventually participating briefly with them in, I think, a game of tag. I think I found the interpersonal dynamics/contentions/issues(?) a bit too much for me (unnecessary? complex?). I did understand, at least in a basic sense, why they occurred and that a part of what was going on was bringing to centre-stage what was happening within the group, working out what was un/acceptable, how to handle it (as an individual, between individuals, and as a group), and how to then maintain those changes or rules.
Regarding the maintenance of social/group rules, I remember thinking something along the lines that 'this is too much effort' and thereafter no longer spending time with them. Curious.
Video games.
While I did not spend much time playing video games, I do remember the fascination I had with them when at someone else's house, likely as they were novel and given a much wider degree of freedom to use them.
Waikerie 2003-5.
When we moved to Waikerie, I had begun to stop caring or getting invested in the external world, becoming more detached. The outside world was just full of unimportant importances; it was all important up until I next moved and then none of it mattered.
On the other hand, video games were a secure constant. They were fun, interesting, and took me away from all the confusion and instability of life.
Considering ADHD, video games were probably quite likely going to end up with a big role in my life, although for likely different reasons and in a healthier manner.
The change from the Lutheran school to the high school was another shock for me; another significant change in which I became more detached from the outside world.
In this way, it makes sense that my interest and enjoyment in playing video games increased. The rules were clear and didn't change on me consistently or when I moved to a new place, friendships could be maintained, mistakes had no IRL consequences, and I had a sense of control and an expressive outlet.
A different reflection on my interest with video games:
I would say that I've always been attracted/interested in video games, right from when I first became aware of them.
The more exposure I had playing them, the more I enjoyed them.
I think by about 2001-2 that I had found video games to make sense compared to everything else. By people for people.
I remember finding Empire Earth at the library and being excited to play and learn; I remember feeling relief in something making sense.
I would say that as time went on that by the time I was in Waikerie, 2004-5, video games allowed me to feel some control.
This sense of control, and by extension engagement with video games, ramped up extensively with the (re)introduction of StarCraft: Brood War multiplayer, though this didn't occur until about 2006-7, or year 9-10.
After I had moved to Pedare in 2005 I don't remember much. Certainly I can piece together events and activities, etc., with some effort, however overall that period of my life remains full of gaps and obscured by haze.
I felt quite disconnected to everything.
I don't remember getting back into StarCraft, and I barely remember playing any other games bar Torchlight.
At this point, playing games, and internet use, has become a mixed habit. It allowed me to escape reality, provided me clarity and certainty, provided me control, and allowed for a consistent social connection that would not be lost with future moves.
StarCraft ticked more boxes than I realised I needed, particularly a need for control and competence.
Outside video games, I did not receive this. Granted I was decent at cricket, hockey, and swimming but at the same time I was becoming less certain if what I was doing was terrible, poor, acceptable, good, or great.
I swam and swam and swam and swam but did not see much improvement.
I changed batting position to try for more success, or even a change, then found myself performing worse and feeling both confused and forgotten.
Hockey was also confusing. I had no interest in practicing stick skills, and felt awkward when I did. Performance on the field was often frustrating too. I frequently had little idea on if what I was doing was good or bad. The times when I did try do more advanced formations or be available for passes, I was ignored.
