A Case Regarding An ADHD Diagnosis

 Since writing the title I've been distracted by something shiny out the corner of the title, taken a bite of food, moved my phone from in front of me to the right of me, wanted to put some music on, been bothered by where I've moved my phone, forgotten how I was going to write this all out, and am trying to- wait gotta move the keyboard over slightly, and am trying to remember the- now my back and neck is tight and sore so it needs stretching, and am trying to remember how I was going to organise my thoughts to- fuck, maybe more coffee will help me focus. Uhm, ADHD, potential diagnosis, reasons for and against, trying hard to focus. Fuck. Thankfully sitting here recapping everything I've read has just amounted to me daydreaming or spacing out. This isn't exactly an uncommon part of my day. 

So basically my plan now is just to wing it, stream of consciousness style, write a list of things I wanted to focus on, and type as much out as quickly as possible cause I got other things that need to be done asap; as for why I'm not doing the more important things right now, the things that I need to do now or else I won't get them done .... shhhh, don't think about it, just do.

1) Reasons for and again (though at this point I'm having a hard time arguing against)
    a) Possible examples through my history, vaguely up till the army.
    b) Examples in the army.
    c) Examples outside, during study

2) Cliffnotes on what ADHD is, ect

3) Something something, definitely didn't forget.
    a) Conclusion? 

Lets see:

• Zimbabwe, primary school years 1-3: 
• Daydreaming a lot (like even I'm aware that it's a lot)
• During breaks I'd roam around the school and temporarily hang out with other people before moving on
• Did lots of sports.
• New Zealand: 
• Not sure what to say here
• The Riverland, Renmark & Waikerie: 
• Same here. Felt distanced from others, assumed it was from moving so much.
• Reading a lot of books to pass time.
• In Waikerie it's here I first noticed that once I was doing something it was often difficult for me to stop doing it and do something else, e.g., going from reading to swim training.
• Adelaide:
• Still feeling really distanced (assumption that none of it mattered and there was no point to paying attention to any of it).
• Still reading a lot of books to pass time.
• Staying up late reading, unwilling to stop to go to sleep.
• Start really getting into the internet and gaming, late 2000's
• Feeling distant from almost everything in my life.
• Doing hockey, cricket, swimming, and briefly tennis.
• Introduced to cannabis and alcohol
• Big drinks, big smokes.
• Worked at the video production company, constantly late to work and had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. 
• Playing a lot of video games.
• Staying up late till I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, normal behaviour.
• Townsville: 
• Still smoking and drinking, feeling disconnected from life.
• Interactions with other people helped me start feeling happier and more connected. 
• No longer Christian, looking for Truth & the meaning of life through other avenues.
• Frequently late to work. I remember never really being sure of what I was supposed to be doing or how to do it, much as if there was just an empty gap between knowing I have to do something and the something itself. 
• Working as a kitchen hand kinda worked for me at the time; I knew the process of wash dishes, take food out, buzz the number, prepare salads, make and bake pizza's, and it all needed to be done immediately. It was a mix between simplicity, minor variations, and urgency that worked for me.
• I remember that when I'd take rubbish out to the skip bins, I'd be captured by everything else, the atmosphere, the lights and reflections, the quiet, to the point where I'd almost forget what I was doing and needed to be doing.
• It's about here where I notice, or am making an attempt to take in all information at once and experience it. If that's an ADHD thing or not, I'm not sure, I assumed it was due to the influence of Taoism and Zen.
• Sleep schedule is non-existent.
• Adelaide:
• Wanting to be a pro-gamer but finding I just can't make things work. I remember not understanding how other people were able to both plan so far into the game, I couldn't see past 15s of gameplay, let alone 5mins.
• University. Being stimulated by all the new information, and trying to work it all out. 
• Struggled to care. Not sure how to explain this further, I do know that I didn't like how uni is kinda pre-job training, though I don't think that's the most accurate reason.
• Finding myself unable to find motivation or enough meaning to do anything, or chase something.
• Contemplating and almost attempted suicide.
• Bluewater, Waikerie & and Asad:
• Not sure what to say here.
• When things are urgent or highly stimulating then brain go brrrr
• The Army:
• There was so much to do and learn immediately that I really enjoyed this. Super stimulating.
• Start noticing a few issues here:
• Really struggling to do drills, or things that require planning-  Especially when I'm being assessed.
• Emotions tended to be more extreme, more prone to fluctuation.
• A lot of difficulty winding down after doing something. 
• Smoking and drinking more heavily to try relax.
• Most of free time spent playing games to try relax.
• Forgetting simple and important things like: patches, hats, thermal sights, ect
• Becoming lost in the moment or the task (or hyperfocusing)
• Inability to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. Ruminating
• Singleton specific?: 
• Loss of urgency
• Loss of goals
• Loss of constant learning
• Frequent punishments
• Next to nothing to do off base
• Living on base
• Having no way to escape from army life
• Arm/shoulder/neck issues
• Studying:
• Similar to the above
• Difficulty maintaining focus during self-regulated learning.
• Difficulty in regulating emotions, or at least being more stable.
• Constantly being distracted by everything else
• Passive procrastination, constantly.
• Alternating between a high urgency, highly stimulated and obsessed state, or an uninterested, unable to focus on or be motivated about state.
• Difficulty in having a regular sleep pattern.
• Planning assignments is a challenge.
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3) Something something, definitely didn't forget. Against? Conclusion? Questions, Queries, Concerns?

• Perhaps I didn't properly learn executive function while growing up. Parents, teachers, or other carers basically told me where to be and what to do, and my day-to-day was pretty structured.
• Perhaps I just had a very different view on life and living as a result of growing up in Zimbabwe then NZ and around Auz, being a Christian and seeing the world through those lenses, adopting Tao/Buddhist/Zen views, thinking about the world through the use of drugs, seeing the world not from a mainstream perspective, through the different experiences and places I've been, and through the array of differing viewpoints and attitudes I've come across along the way.
• Ruminating on negatives. May posit an argument for what is a negative but in this case it'd be topics that the general social considers negative.
• High cannabis use for several years straight. I don't think this could have had lasting effects as deep as what ADHD/I'm experiencing now.
• Generally accepting or considering that day-to-day tasks are challenging. Surely most people don't struggle with day-to-day stuff in the manner I do? Though it seems that people with ADHD struggle with day-to-day stuff the way that I do.
• Difference with/from ADHD and Big5 personality. I think this is negligible; the personality tests give an indication of where those aspects of your personality sit in relation with the other people being tested. Having ADHD or not would still mean that your personality would be in relation with other people.
• What is ADHD? (apart from having a terrible name). Neurochemical and physiological differences, generally deficits.
• Is there correlation between ADHD and attitudes, belief systems, culture, ect? Not in the way I was originally approaching this. 
• What about the framework and theories humans use to explain/understand the world or how they operate within it? Again, not in the way I was originally approaching this. 
• ADHD and head injuries (e.g., ACP)
• What about testing for neurochemical imbalances? Without actually taking tissue samples, possibly the next best thing would be taking dopamine/noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (stimulants) and seeing how they influence the distractibility and focus.
• What about the consideration that my current situation is, in a sense, new and different for me. This may be the first time I'm consciously trying to dedicate myself to achieving a long term outcome. Up till ending high school I had little input on my life and what I was doing. Moving to Townsville was me leaving my current situation and trying to make sense of something. Having figured out that I need a goal, or direction, to orientate myself towards I tried to become a professional LoL player and the way that differs from now is that I was still playing competitive sports/games and they basically play themselves - very different to learning how to have relationships with people or helping others overcome their own problems. I went to uni out of curiosity, and with no further plan went fruit picking to get away from things and think for myself. I joined the army, and all its structures, with the desire to enter combat situations. Now I'm trying to structure the rest of my life, both my internal and external life, so that I'll be competent in helping other people make their lives better - is that not different enough that some aspects of the ADHD symptoms don't make sense? (not really). I've been in my current situation for almost 1.5 years and it's pretty stable, the fact that I'm still having difficulties with routine, planning, emotions, distractions, ect, ect, which are the things that people with ADHD have trouble with. I think at this point, considering how stable my situation has been, ADHD seems most likely.

4) The conclusion after a hiatus. Will the questions from 3) ever be answered?

Given my limited knowledge, essentially ADHD is the name given when the brain doesn't have enough of certain chemicals, most notably Dopamine. Other chemical/s include noradrenaline.

It seems that some of the strongest evidence in favor of ADHD is that I've been taking Modafinil, a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, for help me get motivated and stay focused on getting day-to-day tasks and study done.

Another strong indicator for me is alternating between these two generalised states: 1) difficulties focusing on any thing, low motivation to do anything, easily distracted, or 2) obsessed/hyperfocused on one thing, and highly stimulated when it comes to that one thing.