Emotional unload - Incap pay reduction, job searching, uni.

I do not feel willing to return to the workplace.
    As for specifically why, I am not entirely certain.
    A part of me feels like I'd be joining the capital slaveforce. 
    A part of me does not want to go through the job searching process.
        Actually I am quite unwilling to go through that process again.
 
I am very happy with the pace that my life is currently going at, almost ideal even.
    I am content with the challenges and frustrations that I'm currently facing, and my ability to deal with       and overcome them.
I liked the projection that this was travelling towards.
I don't feel ready to get a job. I am also unwilling to try.
    And I definitely don't feel ready to have to try juggle work, uni, rehab, gym, social and personal time.
    I could manage a reduction in incap pay. 

I'm feeling down and maybe disgusted. 
I feel like I need more time to sort myself out.
Am I dependent on DVA as a safety net?
My thoughts and feelings are becoming conflicted. I feel that I was wrong to be hopeful of a comfortably challenging life.
    More and more it just seems that all there is ahead is just hard work for a company.
        I've noticed that my thoughts keep jumping to the assumption that I will end up working for a 
        for-profit company. A depressing line of thought but this isn't necessarily the case.

Sometimes I wish that I had more motivation and determination to kill myself.

I think that I'll need to cut out all current sources of entertainment and distraction from my life if I were to adapt well to the future as I currently see it heading.
    I suspect that this will benefit this me immensely yet I am also scared of who I'll become.
        I'll no longer be doing things that I've been doing for the last 15 years.
            I don't wish to write about gaming and other computer related activities but they've been such a
            huge part of my life.
    What would I do instead? Why does it feel right to quit completely?
I was happy slowly cutting down and removing myself from it. 


I don't know how I feel if I have to find work within a year. 
    "    "    "    how I'd feel if I have to start cutting things out of my life due to money.
                     What are the things I'd have to start cutting out?
                        The spare money I currently have tends to go to mobile games. 
                        How much do I spend on that? I think roughly $200 a week. 
                        I don't really spend money on any other entertainments.
                        I'm slowly cutting down on that too.
        But then what? 
        Have I become accustomed to having such a good income?
        I don't know.
    I don't feel ready for a drop in income.
    I don't feel ready for this change.
    I just want things to continue as they are.
I'm feeling bad for wanting that.
Confused. Torn.
I just want things to continue as they are until I'm ready to support myself.
I feel bad that I don't feel ready to support myself and this incap pay + non/return to work direction feels like that's been rubbed in.

Draft of my thoughts on things I thought about when I was young

- Thinking about humans through time.
- Common activities, patterns
- What people think about
- What happens in every single human's life

I remember that when I was a child, roughly 8-9 years old, I had an interest in history. I don't remember the exact order in which I progressed through topics, concepts or genre's, I just remember reading a lot and that when I would read I would trying understand things from the character's perspective or from the perspective of someone who would live in that point in time.
I know that when I was living in Waikerie, 2005-ish, I had read most of the non-fiction books in the childrens section. Roman history, some medieval/middle/dark age history, some early modern history

- Worrying less about things I can't control
- Experimenting with behaviours and thoughts (hypothesis testing)