Things discussed at todays session
- Being late
- Competency
- Emotional reaction, stress, frustrated, flustered
- Self-Doubt
- Army: Tex's section and being singled out. Ingroup and Outgroup.
- ID, Ego, SuperEgo in comparison to my idea of existential self and social self, and managing the two.
I was supposed to attend a DBT session at 3pm. However around 2pm the idea that it was 3:30pm not 3pm stuck in my mind, so I didn't plan to leave until around 3pm.
As it would happen, I looked at the time at 3pm and realised that this was the correct time to attend so I rushed to get ready and leave. I called and let them know I'd be late.
I began feeling self-conscious and frustrated with myself. I was thinking of walking in late and of everyone knowing that I was late, and of feeling incompetent because I managed to relax too much and didn't achieve a simple task. I felt somewhat flustered; I guess I was also frustrated that I was flustered, that this emotional reaction happened over something I didn't consider as something that 'should' set off those reactions.
I was still able to accept those emotions, the frustration, the fluster, the self-consciousness; I was still able to accept that I was late, that little could be done about it apart from remaining calm and focusing on arriving safely.
In reflection, I think another aspect may also be the shock of how quickly I switched from everything going well, emotionally steady (mood fluctuation included) for weeks without issues to being late, frazzled, uncomfortably self-conscious, and emotionally raw.
To be clearer, this wasn't a massive reaction to the situation in the sense of catastrophising or being overwhelmed by emotions but closer to the analogy of having stubbed your toe, it was sudden and it hurt but also it wasn't damaged or going to be painful for the whole day.
This bothered me through to the following day where I arrive to the wrong location, despite having known about the change for about a month in advance. I knew, I checked the night before, I jumped in the car and drove to the previous location out of habit. Just to top it off I arrived at the previous location just after 10am.
Not only did I arrive slightly late but also to the wrong location.
I remember having a lack of urgency that morning .. until I was late. I do wonder if I'd relaxed too much and if that's the case, which I suspect it is, then I can take this all on board and fine tune things a bit so it's no longer the reason for my being late somewhere.
I spoke over the phone while driving, using headphones. It was just going over what I was experiencing and why those thoughts and feelings may be coming up. I was asked if I'd considered if other people made mistakes even when they're otherwise competent and I gotta admit it wasn't something that I had considered recently, or for a long while.
Despite knowing that competent people make mistakes, I think that I'd been self-obsessed over my own errors and faults whilst simultaneously disregarding others errors as once off and not a reflection of their character or competence.
Having just reached the aforementioned conclusion it has just occurred to me as peculiar that I've been attributing certain groups/types of mistakes as proof my own incompetence. I can only think that this occurred directly as a result of being part of Tex's section on RCB 117. I don't recall having such an issue with confidence at 2coy 4pl, or IET's, or Basic, or ... heck, I don't think Asad bothered me as much as Tex. Yea, Asad dragged me down and made me question myself but I still left feeling intact.
I still felt confident that I could do things. I nailed the cognitive tests, the physical, medical, psych, fucking everything. I didn't doubt or feel incompetent; I know at times I felt nervous, frustrated and sometimes confused but I don't recall doubting my capability to perform or letting mistakes bother me much. I just did it - I looked forward and did it. In a way it was one of the easiest things I've done. It was tough physically, emotionally/socially draining, and simultaneously both stimulating and brainless but it was just 'do this' and I'd do it and it would be done. Like following a path - just go forward.
I do miss that aspect of that time.
Was I a top soldier? Nope but I wasn't bad either. People liked me and wanted me to spend time with them. I know they tested me various times and they seemed happy with how I performed (or at least that's how I remember it), if I made mistakes they were willing to help me improve or if it wasn't a big issue then it may be remarked on then forgotten. I was part of the group. I never felt like my competence was doubted, actually I think almost the opposite where people saw potential with me. Even after I left a thermal sight in my pack for over a week and got ROP's, people didn't treat me as if there was something wrong with me. I think I was a bit frazzled by it, I think I was a bit frustrated that I'd made that mistake but I don't think it was overbearing.
I remember when we were packing our bags for RCB, I know my memory of the words used is a bit vague and I remember it as "Don't take your battalion PT shirts as you'll get given RCB PT shirts when you arrive. Those will be the PT shirts you wear when you do PT".
I know that he said it several times. I know that the intended message was as previously mentioned even if I don't remember it 100%.
I remember when we got there, within the first couple hours of arriving on the base, Tex and section wanted to go to the gym. Oh who didn't bring a PT shirt? Must be the shit cunt.
What's this? Stafford didn't bring his gunner's rig? MJ has a spare? Hahaha we'll just forget this even happened because the person who didn't bring the PT shirts they were told not to bring is clearly the shit cunt.
It might not have been huge to start with but they also picked up on that I wasn't the fittest and strongest infanteer in the group. Like I wasn't unfit or slacking, just not the best at those weighted exercises. I wasn't trailing far behind everyone anyways. I could run and swim better than them but no lets just stick to doing Hundred 100's and similar exercises. I got looked down on for that.
When was the last time I've done volley ball? Once or twice 10+ years ago? Can't let MJ play cause he's bad.
What about the amount of times Tex shared orders when I left to go to the toilet? And then get berated for not being ready for that task. Holy fuck. The first time I put down to chance and them thinking someone else had filled me in. After the third time it was clear that it was deliberate so I began speaking to other sections and secco's to find out what was coming up. I remember when we were with the Malay Rangers I got grilled for hanging back at the mess to talk with other people. The reasoning was incase they received orders ... mother fuckers, call me, we've all got phones, and there's almost no place to go apart from maybe 3 spots. With that incident the icing on the cake was that they knew I stayed behind, they knew were I was.
I'm pretty sure I ended up on armory piquet a few time times more than others.
I remember there was an incident, I can't place when it happened, where we patrolled into rows of these tall straight trees at night and we were supposed to sit down in rows. It's nearly pitch black under these tree's and Tex is obsessing over where I'm sitting. It was constant "Move forwards a bit. Move back a bit. Move back a bit more. Move forward a bit. Move back. Move forward." Like, holy fuck, I'm moving around in 10-20cm increments; he complains to sarge then drags me back like 20cm. It was bizarre and enraging - did it really matter that much for me to be in that exact fucking spot during an admin stop under near pitch black vision.
Imagine standing with your feet together and someone saying 'take a step back' so you do, 'take a step forward' so you take a smaller step forward, 'take a step back' so you take a smaller step back, and this process just continues.
And the range. I'm on the mog pulling everyone's packs onboard. 'OK all the packs are on the mog, lets go', 'Oh wait guys I don't see my pack on the mog', 'Nope it's definitely on here, we put them all on, none left behind, stop worrying and overthinking shit -- WTF MJ why didn't you make sure your pack was on the mog? Gonna have to reprimand you for this'
I swear to fucking god, fucking ridiculous. 'trust us we definitely put your pack on the mog, woops it's not on the mog and it's all your fault'.
Then to add to that, during a pistol test, apparently I didn't look down the sight (didn't look down the sight correctly?) and I'm thinking 'uhm, yea I did' but can I say that to rank?? Can I prove I didn't??
Re-training!!
Just another thing to make me look and feel incompetent. Hey look, the shit cunt is so bad that he needs re-training on the pistol!
Cool. I've handled a pistol just long enough to get qualified. Did I do my drill wrong? I don't believe I did. Was I rigorously re-trained to the point I doubted myself? Yes.
The live fire shoot. 'Hey MJ, immediately after this shoot you're going out on piquet to replace so-and-so'.
'No problem lemme just oil the gun quickly before I jump on the vehicle'
'Nope, no time gotta go right now'
'Cheezy can you oil the gun please' 'MJ get on the vehicle now'
'Sure I'll make sure it gets oiled' 'MJ get on the fucking vehicle now!'
3 days later: 'MJ I just pulled out your gun and it was completely rusted, we spent half the afternoon cleaning it, I was so embarrassed'
No fucking shit, you made such an issue about me fucking getting on that fucking vehicle that I thought I was going to get a formal warning. You were so desperate to get me on that vehicle that you wouldn't let me oil the weapon and then you berate me for not oiling it.
The time we went to an island and they tried to get me to sleep with a trans lady. When I say 'tried' I mean it was closer to 'forcing'. I didn't want to, they didn't me but they tried to make it happen. I told that lady what was going on, they said they were happy for me to stay the night if needed, I didn't need to but I really appreciated it. I bullshitted out my arse to everyone about what happened.
There was a night were Rhode was making so many passive-aggressive remarks to me. I don't really know what or why, I vaguely remember him insinuating that they were trying to help me and I was being disrespectful. I remember everyone else was acting a quiet and cautious. So I had a punch on with Rhode. I end up on the ground and everyone decides it's over, and I'm confused - I'm fighting and I'm able to continue fighting and I want to keep fighting but they decided when it's over. It was stupid, it annoyed me. I got a lot of respect from Rhode after that. I still look back and don't understand why it happened nor why it was allowed to happen.
They left behind to piquet on Ex. Harangaroo.
Ohh. That patrol where I get heat exhaustion, can barely stand and am about to pass out but first Tex has to grill me because the minimi stock pin has come out. I remember he ripped into me pretty hard but I was so fucked I don't remember much.
Later on only my weapon got the white glove inspection, every weapons inspection was white glove. Not literally as he didn't have any white gloves but if there a spec of carbon anywhere on the weapon I got a warning and went back to cleaning. Not for anyone else, just me. It got to the point where I wouldn't fire unless I couldn't get away with that and I'd clean the gun thoroughly every chance I got.
Also there was the bellend guy. Just a fucking random who's like "you look like a bellend, what would you do in this situation", fuck you champ.
What angers me about all these incidents is how Tex would act as if he's looking out for us and trying to be a good secco.
Don't forget Singapore! We wouldn't want to forget about all that bullshit. Oh yea, lets run MJ through urban drills and grill him for the minutest detail. Lets just fabricate some story about MJ pointing a rifle at someone elses head. At this point I know he has it out for me. I know. There was no way I was even close to pointing a rifle at someone's head, we were about a meter apart and I'm pointing 30cm above the second floor. Nobody steps in and points out that I wasn't. It was just me trying to convince Tex that I was didn't do the thing he fabricated, and he's like 'oh well from where I was standing it looked like you pointed it at his head'. Aha, is that right Tex? Are you really spending your time and energy to imagine faults with what I'm doing? Are you not able to disconcert angles or how how objects operate in 3D space? No? You're trying to find any and all fault with me. You'll imagine them if you have to. Nobody else has flaws in their urban clearance, nothing to improve on, only MJ.
So what does all that have to do with me today, with the over-reactions and hyper-vigilance reactions of me post army?
Well I think that I'd internalised some of this somehow.
I think I grew into a person who didn't like interpersonal conflicts, as in, I greatly valued getting along with others and fitting in with the group to the point that I would devalue myself to conform to the groups values. I think that moving around as much as I did also had a side effect of not understanding how to fit into close groups appropriately. I think that statement is lacking, it's not quite correct, moving around a lot is part of it but ...
I think by wanting to be part of the group, being ostracized by the group, unable to leave the group, being lead into situations by the group where I'd be in the wrong or make a mistake then having those mistakes tallied against me as proof of my incompetence as a person has lead to me having the issues that I have now. Having strong emotional reactions over simple or perceived mistakes, lacking confidence in myself, feeling inadequate and incompetent as a human after making any mistake, becoming hyper-vigilant and self-conscious when doing tasks where I could perceive the people around me as judging my competence doing the task.
Where do I go from here?
(what does the literature say?)
During the session I'd tried to explain the things I can't disprove, that I'm consciously aware of phenomena and its consistent change, and I'm consciously aware of the use of language to explain what's happening. They asked if I was aware that I was describing Freud's ID and Ego, I wasn't and I thought that was interesting but also how was this related to proving and disproving reality and truths.
Anyways.
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