A Different Perspective On My Life: It Can Be Broken Down To Three Stages

About 30 minutes ago I was driving home from the gym and I was thinking about how I was basically trying to re-structure my life, more specifically how I was re-structuring my life after discharging. This lead me to think about the reason for trying to re-structure my life. I'm re-structing my life because everything before now was not working or working poorly. Interestingly this wasn't the only this has happened to me. I went through a massive change in perception and belief when I stopped believing in Christianity.

It's a little difficult to contrast this new way of thinking with the old, though I suppose I was thinking of the current moment as building upon the previous such that my motivation for going to uni and studying was still part of the previous way of living. 

To explain in a more linear fashion would be to point out what lead to the dissolution of my belief in Christianity. While there are many factors involved I think it ultimately came down to:
    My belief in Christianity was not working and many more things could be explained through the absence of a God, and through science and technology. It's possible to argue about tests of faith and temptation, about how I was tempted off the path of Christ through the temptation of Satan and how I needed to continue my faith in God or the Holy Trinity. In response I find myself drawn to the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:1-7) where Jesus talks about the shepherd who goes out to find a lost sheep whereupon finding it the shepherd celebrates. Were I to be the lost sheep and Jesus as the Shepherd then I ask/ed "How difficult is it to bring me home? I'm looking for truth, for what's there, and what's real. Where are you if you are The Way, The Truth, and The Light that you proclaim to be?"

I've had no response to that for the last 11 years. 

I now see this as a transition stage. At this point onwards I'm re-structuring my life.

It lead me to try seek out what's "really out there" and "what's really going on?". Those questions, that line of thinking, and where I was emotionally and situationally lead me to move to Townsville. I think I was driven by two, maybe three, aspects here: "What drives me as a person?" and "What is this existence and my beliefs about it?". 

Tarot, spiritualism, drugs, introspection, psychology, metaphysics, sensory experiences, philosophy, Buddhism/Taoism, history, anthropology, dreams and trances, serial killers, sonder and solipsism, ect.

I found my desire to win at League of Legends rather intoxicating. It was a goal I'd set and parameters to determine how well I was moving towards that goal. It was a huge contrast to the difficult and confusing attempt at understanding everything in existence, one that was feeling overwhelming and pointless. I wish I did well at LoL but I can't say I was that good and living circumstances didn't help. Ironically I performed best when my father cut me out of the internet and I was going to an internet café to play. 

Perhaps the next question would be "why uni?"

I know I didn't have anything else going for me at the time. I'd just quit the door-to-door sales job, and my mother suggested I take a look. There was a few things that interested me so I did the Bach. Health Science to cover them all. Really titillating. To start with. I remember being frustrated because it was just pre-job training and I was feeling unfulfilled. I think unfulfilled in the sense that I didn't know who I was or how I saw the world, how I operated within it or with other people. What was my purpose? My life had no meaning.

I had an argument with my father that lead to me staying with Nick, his partner and his mother. Later I moved to stay with Andrew and met Trish. Trish introduced me to muntrie picking at the neighbours which turned to grape picking with a local Italian family. I enjoyed doing something, having my mind free to process things, and the outdoors. I decided to do some orange picking for a living up in Waikerie at a backpackers hostel. That lead to the work on the vineyard, Asad and the Army.

I think the orange picking was a bit of a confidence booster. Thoughts come and go but oranges get picked, processed, packaged and consumed. Similar with the vineyard work. I noticed that I could work fairly hard for most of the day, I liked being outside and moving, I liked being part of a process that benefited people. I also began to notice that I really needed to think deeply about things as I'd frequently find a quiet spot and just process things. I remember this girl saying "Because I know who I am" and it really struck me hard because of the conviction in which she said it, it made me question myself. I still don't think I can say the same thing with the same conviction she had.

Kristina occurred around here, and the pain of no longer being a part of her life or how it ended.

Asad and his lies. Promised to build up my confidence. Teach me Krav. 

So all these experiences, all this stuff is my reality, my beliefs, perceptions and motivations drives my decision into the army.

This idea of being physical, being outdoors, a not-for-profit organisation, being able to fight and kill, of being the shield in front of others, of being useful and having purpose.

Well army didn't work out that well for me.

I guess I did learn that I don't want to be that physically fit all the time, that I'm a lot more gentle than I thought, I'm definitely quite introverted, that I'm more prone to conceptual thought and that I want something along the lines of helping people.

Physical injury and adjustment disorder diagnosis.

So a lot of stuff had occurred up to that point and I go to study psychology, which is kind of a big change from before. I begin trying to change my whole world, to develop a new and hopefully better reality, and to put that into practice; trying to process all these experiences into something useful and understandable, using what I learnt about myself and changing. I've developed habits and thoughts that aren't helpful, I'm having disproportionate emotional responses, I'm feeling insecure and all over the place, my view of the world is complicated and my sense of self is obscure.

This leads back to the thoughts I was having during the car drive home. I'm re-structuring my life.

What I was doing before was not working well and helped create the problems I'm struggling with, which is why I'm working on changing and rebuilding myself and my worldview. 
This process is the change before the next stage in my life.

The first stage was as a Christian up to 18yo, the next was what lead to the army, and the current stage is now.

At the very least this is a different perspective for me.