A brief observation on political engagement in Australia

Keeping in mind that this observation will be limited and biased by the people and groups who I interact with.

So my observation has been that people in Australia seem far more concerned about American politics over Australian politics. The fervor expressed when talking about American politic brings about strong feelings, such as distress, frustration, hopelessness, and indignation. 

I hear next to nothing about Australian politics and politicians. At most the conversation/response has been '[so and so] is a scumbag.'

There seems to be a massive contrast in the knowledge of American and Australian politics in which American political topics can be discussed for hours upon end while Australian political topics end within minutes.

Lastly, I have noticed a possessiveness expressed about American politics that does not appear in conversations about Australian politics. This possessiveness has been noted most expressly through possessive nouns and action verbs. 

- We need to do [x, y, and z]

- Our Government/Judicial system ...

- We can't let so-and-so get elected

- 

Thoughts on Renmark, Waikerie, and Video Games

Renmark, 2002-3.

A couple days ago, my mother said that she remembers when my father made the decision to move from Renmark to Waikerie, to work for Agri-Tech, and when both myself and my brother were told this we both burst into tears. 

I remember that in Waikerie I began feeling overall disconnected, even though at the Lutheran school I was starting to fit in and make friends, this feeling became more pronounced when I started at the high school.

I don't remember this feeling in Renmark, although I think it possibly existed at some level.

I definitely don't remember feeling consistently anxious or detached. I do remember moments where I felt anxious, confused, detached, etc., however not as a consistent state/mood.

I'm currently not sure how else to describe that period in time. 

Maybe I could make a note on detachment.

I did feel some detachment, more similar to how I felt (or remembered feeling) at Gateway. Floating between individuals, groups, activities, and locations. At times dreaming. I did feel a disconnection with culture and history, and personal experiences. 

I remember times where I'd watch a larger group of more 'popular' kids play together on/near the playground and eventually participating briefly with them in, I think, a game of tag. I think I found the interpersonal dynamics/contentions/issues(?) a bit too much for me (unnecessary? complex?). I did understand, at least in a basic sense, why they occurred and that a part of what was going on was bringing to centre-stage what was happening within the group, working out what was un/acceptable, how to handle it (as an individual, between individuals, and as a group), and how to then maintain those changes or rules.

Regarding the maintenance of social/group rules, I remember thinking something along the lines that 'this is too much effort' and thereafter no longer spending time with them. Curious.

Video games.

While I did not spend much time playing video games, I do remember the fascination I had with them when at someone else's house, likely as they were novel and given a much wider degree of freedom to use them.

Waikerie 2003-5.

When we moved to Waikerie, I had begun to stop caring or getting invested in the external world, becoming more detached. The outside world was just full of unimportant importances; it was all important up until I next moved and then none of it mattered. 

On the other hand, video games were a secure constant. They were fun, interesting, and took me away from all the confusion and instability of life. 

Considering ADHD, video games were probably quite likely going to end up with a big role in my life, although for likely different reasons and in a healthier manner.

The change from the Lutheran school to the high school was another shock for me; another significant change in which I became more detached from the outside world.

In this way, it makes sense that my interest and enjoyment in playing video games increased. The rules were clear and didn't change on me consistently or when I moved to a new place, friendships could be maintained, mistakes had no IRL consequences, and I had a sense of control and an expressive outlet.

A different reflection on my interest with video games:

I would say that I've always been attracted/interested in video games, right from when I first became aware of them. 

The more exposure I had playing them, the more I enjoyed them. 

I think by about 2001-2 that I had found video games to make sense compared to everything else. By people for people. 

I remember finding Empire Earth at the library and being excited to play and learn; I remember feeling relief in something making sense. 

I would say that as time went on that by the time I was in Waikerie, 2004-5, video games allowed me to feel some control. 

This sense of control, and by extension engagement with video games, ramped up extensively with the (re)introduction of StarCraft: Brood War multiplayer, though this didn't occur until about 2006-7, or year 9-10.

After I had moved to Pedare in 2005 I don't remember much. Certainly I can piece together events and activities, etc., with some effort, however overall that period of my life remains full of gaps and obscured by haze. 

I felt quite disconnected to everything. 

I don't remember getting back into StarCraft, and I barely remember playing any other games bar Torchlight. 

At this point, playing games, and internet use, has become a mixed habit. It allowed me to escape reality, provided me clarity and certainty, provided me control, and allowed for a consistent social connection that would not be lost with future moves. 

StarCraft ticked more boxes than I realised I needed, particularly a need for control and competence. 

Outside video games, I did not receive this. Granted I was decent at cricket, hockey, and swimming but at the same time I was becoming less certain if what I was doing was terrible, poor, acceptable, good, or great. 

I swam and swam and swam and swam but did not see much improvement. 

I changed batting position to try for more success, or even a change, then found myself performing worse and feeling both confused and forgotten. 

Hockey was also confusing. I had no interest in practicing stick skills, and felt awkward when I did. Performance on the field was often frustrating too. I frequently had little idea on if what I was doing was good or bad. The times when I did try do more advanced formations or be available for passes, I was ignored. 

Auckland 2024: Drivers, roads, and driving

As a whole, I have been describing drivers as careless or carefree. Road rules are not often followed and drivers seem to drive to their own pace, yet not aggressive and reckless in the same way I see Newcastle drivers.

Drivers rarely follow the speed limit. 

There is a wide range that people drive at.

Drivers are often travelling above the speed limit, often as much as 20km/h above even in 50km zones but especially at 80km and faster zones. It's also fairly common to see drivers travelling 5-10km below the speed limit. 

Interection traffic lights seem to be followed fairly regularly. Other road rules are occasionally followed, as far as I can tell/remember, e.g., road works.

Indicating for lane changes are infrequent, yet still done at a higher frequency than Newcastle.

Some roads and intersections have poor designs, see the Brown Road, Sandspit Road, Hill Street, and Twin Coast Discovery Highway intersection at Warkworth 0910.

Quite a few roads entering highways have a traffic light system that stops traffic entering and is supposed to let one or two cars merge onto the highway at a time. From what I understand, they are supposed to help with busy traffic, however, they cause entering traffic to become severely backlogged and instead get ignored. I don't understand when or why they get turned on, and have seen them turned on with light-moderate traffic and off with moderate-heavy traffic (or off on the weekend).

Untitled: Taboo

I had a conversation in which I was discussing what I understood about the background of the Jewish people and Imperialism from the book 'The Origins of Totalitarianism', and the conversation moved towards how younger generations of the Western world don't quite understand the concept of Colonialism. More so that it doesn't get spoken about, that it's 'taboo'.

They went on to say 'How can you address a problem if you're not allowed to talk about it?' and I thought this to be rather apt as it had made clear an issue I've had in regards to Australian society.

A Quick Update After Deleting An Unfinished Post

    The end of last year I started writing a post, however, twice, I was unhappy with the content and intent of what I'd written. I'd hoped to have returned to finish the post yet found my thoughts changing away from the original expression. I considered publishing it regardless but the thought of stating my dissatisfaction with the subsequent garble of unfinished thoughts irritated me. As such I've removed that draft and am moving on.

    Though I'm now uncertain as to what I would like to write about. A common problem. 
So, I think I'll just write what comes to mind.

    Thinking back over the last couple months, I've been feeling a lot better. I'm not sure of which more concise words to use to describe these feelings. I've definitely been feeling calmer, more confident, happier, and more content. My mind has been a lot less jumbled, with less 'fog', and overall feels cleaner and works better. I still go through ups and downs, generally related to motivation, but they aren't as deep or long lasting - it's easier to manage them as well. 
I haven't felt as strong a need to be constantly playing video games for the sake of playing them which also means I've been doing a larger variety of alternate activities, especially socialising. I haven't been relying on lists to remember what needs to be done or when, and have found it easier, enjoyable even, to go shopping for longer periods of time. 

    Just last week I took the canvas painting to get framed. Only taken just over 5 years to do. 

    There was a period of time where I started settling back into old habits. After I became concerned about this I found what was happening after to be strange. 
Those habits began to shift away into newer habits and attitudes in a way that has required much less effort from me overall. This used to be something that I'd have to put in a lot energy to start changing, and even then maintaining that change was even harder. I do still have some trouble getting to bed earlier and more consistently, so that's something I still need to work on. I plan to speak to my psychiatrist about getting melatonin combined with the dex to help with that. 

 
    I'm back to uni next week, in 3 days, and I'm a bit nervous. A lot of that feeling has to do with not feeling like I've done enough of the aims I'd set out at the start of the uni break. It's likely that those aims involved the completion of those aims, but even then there are a few that I didn't even start on, let alone get halfway through. So, I dunno.

    Well, that's all I feel like writing.

Started/Trialling ADHD medication

Just some quick notes on what's been happening with the meds. Brain is falling apart so hopefully I remember my points tomorrow.

Started 3rd Nov 22. First two to three days were the most intense. New chemical in the system. Unwanted effects were the headache, dry mouth, slight dehydration, going to the toilet more, and disrupted sleep, e.g., waking up multiple times through the night, and/or poor sleep quality.
I also was becoming incredibly tired between 2-4pm, often needing to lie down for a tad then I'd be good till about 8-9pm. I thought this to be a result of the dose timing, and I think that is remains true.
Oddly I've found myself shifting from a 'night owl' to a 'morning lark'. I used to have trouble getting to sleep before 12am and waking up before 8am, but now I find myself waking up around 7am and ready to sleep by 11pm. I've decided to just run with it and shift everything to match it.
I haven't been running out of motivation as quickly. Best analogy I could think of at this time of night. Basically doing things has become so much easier to do. I don't feel like I'm fighting myself every step of the way. Getting out of bed is easy, starting almost any task is so much easier, staying focused, paying attention, remembering,,,, so much easier. Something I struggled with constantly is showering after the gym. I'd get home and just need several hours to recover before being able to get myself to the shower. Now I get back home from the gym and go shower almost immediately. It's a huge relief to just be able to do something like that without having to fight myself every step of the way. After the shower I do something else, like reading, organising my room, planning, ect. Some mornings I've managed to get 2-3 tasks done between showering after the gym and lunch time ... 2-3 different tasks used to be the limit of what I often could do a day. Being able to read through more complex texts without constantly forgetting or being zoning off is no longer a chore. 

One analogy I've been somewhat using is that of driving a car. Driving a car that runs out of fuel quickly, with the handbrake partially on, several music stations playing, several news stations discussing something important, someone in the passenger seat trying to have a deep conversation with you, someone in the back trying to get your attention with a bunch of interrupting methods, no idea what is going on with the third person in the car but they're really upset with you for something, and you need to get to the fuel station, workplace, the museum, and possibly somewhere else but you're not sure where.
When taking the meds, suddenly the music and news stations get quieter or go away, the passengers are quieter, more patient and not trying to talk over each other, or constantly trying to grab your attention, the third person isn't upset with you for something, the handbrake is down, the fuel leakage has slowed down a lot, and you realise that your GPS now shows the route you need to take to drop the third passenger off at the museum, fill up fuel and get to work on time.

20 Days later: The last 20 days taking the meds has been enlightening; definitely provided a contrast to how I've been living/functioning to that of 'normal' people. Most side effects are no longer present. I've still been having some issues with sleep quality, but my overall circadian rhythm remains consistent. I find myself waking up around 7am with a positive mood and although I try to sleep for a bit longer due to the general low quality of sleep, when I do decide to actually 'wake up' and get going then it's a lot easier to do so. It becomes a case of making the decision to get up then enacting it, rather than making the decision and finding myself struggling against myself to do just that. I used to force myself downstairs to make a coffee and breakfast then return to my room to slowly wake up. If I came across anyone during the day then I'd often have short conversations with them before running out of steam. With the meds it's a little different and I have a differing perspective. For a start I don't need to put in extra effort just to pay attention to what's being said and forming thought out sentences, but also I can track what's been said, what my thoughts and feelings are, what thoughts and emotions they have and are expressing, to a degree I can pull up relevant info at will, and not forget about all the things I was going to do just then or for the whole day (something that bothered me; was disruptive.).
    So, getting going in the morning is easier. It's easier to have conversations with people as I can pay attention easier, pay attention to more things, and keep track of plans and actions. Another thing, although I do try practice it as well, is mentally putting aside the things I want to talk about to let the other person speak so that my own thoughts aren't, I guess, 'louder' than the other person.
    In general, being able to plan and enact has been significantly improved. Nor does doing this require a huge effort that sucks up most of my energy for the day. Starting and finishing tasks, even if I don't particularly feel like doing them, has become effortless in most instances. 
    An example would be mornings where I go to the gym: getting ready (mentally and emotionally) is barely an issue, I'm consistently arriving at the time I've set to arrive at instead of being inconsistent, being able to remember what stretches I need or want to do and change them as needed without needing a list or other reminders, remembering subsequent exercises, remembering rep and set counts, remembering conversation topics, are more things that have become substantially easier to do (to the point where I can do them all simultaneously), I'm finding myself a lot more emotionally stable and no longer finding myself getting easily flustered/frustrated over mistakes or having other easy mood swings, and when I get home I'm not so drained in all aspects that I spend a couple hours on the computer or phone before getting myself into the shower and instead I'm able to get home, play with Minnie, talk with housemates, shower, and start cooking lunch before 1130 (not to mention that the gym session ends a little later than with Tys, ~1005, and I'm getting home around 1025). Before 1130 I have the freedom to do something else although often I catch up on the idle mobile game I've running. 
    Something else I've noticed is how consistent my mood and emotions have been, compared to what they used to be. At first I thought that it was the euphoria from the meds that fuelled my good mood, and they probably do to a degree, but I'm finding that even when I feel them wearing off or when I wake up before taking them that I'm still in that consistent good mood. I haven't been as easily swayed by negative emotions or thoughts, things that bother me. I still do get bothered by stuff, however they don't become as extreme or consuming, and it's easier to return myself to that good mood. 
    A couple more observations that I remember. Not feeling as strong a desire to (binge) eat junk or sugary foods, and not feeling like I constantly need to be playing games (more specifically, LoL). Like I still enjoy playing LoL but no longer feel a constant need to be playing it, or to be sitting at the computer getting lost in video's or games.

That's all I can think of currently.

I suspect that I'd benefit from a higher dose but I'm more than happy to sit at this current dose for a while, iron out some kinks, and practice improving executive function skills. Another thing is that the dose is low enough that it reminds me, in a sense, of what it was like before I started taking them, but I feel those memories are starting to become distant.
    I don't wish to become addicted on them. I may have to accepted dependence, I'm dependent on glasses already, but to become addicted is something I'd very much hope to avoid. I feel a part of me would slip into addiction if it got the chance, but in saying that, as long as I don't decide to start taking more for the high then I should be fine. There is the possibility that worrying about it too much will keep it on my mind and increase the likelihood of a spontaneous decision to take an extra one or two.

A Case Regarding An ADHD Diagnosis

 Since writing the title I've been distracted by something shiny out the corner of the title, taken a bite of food, moved my phone from in front of me to the right of me, wanted to put some music on, been bothered by where I've moved my phone, forgotten how I was going to write this all out, and am trying to- wait gotta move the keyboard over slightly, and am trying to remember the- now my back and neck is tight and sore so it needs stretching, and am trying to remember how I was going to organise my thoughts to- fuck, maybe more coffee will help me focus. Uhm, ADHD, potential diagnosis, reasons for and against, trying hard to focus. Fuck. Thankfully sitting here recapping everything I've read has just amounted to me daydreaming or spacing out. This isn't exactly an uncommon part of my day. 

So basically my plan now is just to wing it, stream of consciousness style, write a list of things I wanted to focus on, and type as much out as quickly as possible cause I got other things that need to be done asap; as for why I'm not doing the more important things right now, the things that I need to do now or else I won't get them done .... shhhh, don't think about it, just do.

1) Reasons for and again (though at this point I'm having a hard time arguing against)
    a) Possible examples through my history, vaguely up till the army.
    b) Examples in the army.
    c) Examples outside, during study

2) Cliffnotes on what ADHD is, ect

3) Something something, definitely didn't forget.
    a) Conclusion? 

Lets see:

• Zimbabwe, primary school years 1-3: 
• Daydreaming a lot (like even I'm aware that it's a lot)
• During breaks I'd roam around the school and temporarily hang out with other people before moving on
• Did lots of sports.
• New Zealand: 
• Not sure what to say here
• The Riverland, Renmark & Waikerie: 
• Same here. Felt distanced from others, assumed it was from moving so much.
• Reading a lot of books to pass time.
• In Waikerie it's here I first noticed that once I was doing something it was often difficult for me to stop doing it and do something else, e.g., going from reading to swim training.
• Adelaide:
• Still feeling really distanced (assumption that none of it mattered and there was no point to paying attention to any of it).
• Still reading a lot of books to pass time.
• Staying up late reading, unwilling to stop to go to sleep.
• Start really getting into the internet and gaming, late 2000's
• Feeling distant from almost everything in my life.
• Doing hockey, cricket, swimming, and briefly tennis.
• Introduced to cannabis and alcohol
• Big drinks, big smokes.
• Worked at the video production company, constantly late to work and had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. 
• Playing a lot of video games.
• Staying up late till I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, normal behaviour.
• Townsville: 
• Still smoking and drinking, feeling disconnected from life.
• Interactions with other people helped me start feeling happier and more connected. 
• No longer Christian, looking for Truth & the meaning of life through other avenues.
• Frequently late to work. I remember never really being sure of what I was supposed to be doing or how to do it, much as if there was just an empty gap between knowing I have to do something and the something itself. 
• Working as a kitchen hand kinda worked for me at the time; I knew the process of wash dishes, take food out, buzz the number, prepare salads, make and bake pizza's, and it all needed to be done immediately. It was a mix between simplicity, minor variations, and urgency that worked for me.
• I remember that when I'd take rubbish out to the skip bins, I'd be captured by everything else, the atmosphere, the lights and reflections, the quiet, to the point where I'd almost forget what I was doing and needed to be doing.
• It's about here where I notice, or am making an attempt to take in all information at once and experience it. If that's an ADHD thing or not, I'm not sure, I assumed it was due to the influence of Taoism and Zen.
• Sleep schedule is non-existent.
• Adelaide:
• Wanting to be a pro-gamer but finding I just can't make things work. I remember not understanding how other people were able to both plan so far into the game, I couldn't see past 15s of gameplay, let alone 5mins.
• University. Being stimulated by all the new information, and trying to work it all out. 
• Struggled to care. Not sure how to explain this further, I do know that I didn't like how uni is kinda pre-job training, though I don't think that's the most accurate reason.
• Finding myself unable to find motivation or enough meaning to do anything, or chase something.
• Contemplating and almost attempted suicide.
• Bluewater, Waikerie & and Asad:
• Not sure what to say here.
• When things are urgent or highly stimulating then brain go brrrr
• The Army:
• There was so much to do and learn immediately that I really enjoyed this. Super stimulating.
• Start noticing a few issues here:
• Really struggling to do drills, or things that require planning-  Especially when I'm being assessed.
• Emotions tended to be more extreme, more prone to fluctuation.
• A lot of difficulty winding down after doing something. 
• Smoking and drinking more heavily to try relax.
• Most of free time spent playing games to try relax.
• Forgetting simple and important things like: patches, hats, thermal sights, ect
• Becoming lost in the moment or the task (or hyperfocusing)
• Inability to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. Ruminating
• Singleton specific?: 
• Loss of urgency
• Loss of goals
• Loss of constant learning
• Frequent punishments
• Next to nothing to do off base
• Living on base
• Having no way to escape from army life
• Arm/shoulder/neck issues
• Studying:
• Similar to the above
• Difficulty maintaining focus during self-regulated learning.
• Difficulty in regulating emotions, or at least being more stable.
• Constantly being distracted by everything else
• Passive procrastination, constantly.
• Alternating between a high urgency, highly stimulated and obsessed state, or an uninterested, unable to focus on or be motivated about state.
• Difficulty in having a regular sleep pattern.
• Planning assignments is a challenge.
• 
  
•  

3) Something something, definitely didn't forget. Against? Conclusion? Questions, Queries, Concerns?

• Perhaps I didn't properly learn executive function while growing up. Parents, teachers, or other carers basically told me where to be and what to do, and my day-to-day was pretty structured.
• Perhaps I just had a very different view on life and living as a result of growing up in Zimbabwe then NZ and around Auz, being a Christian and seeing the world through those lenses, adopting Tao/Buddhist/Zen views, thinking about the world through the use of drugs, seeing the world not from a mainstream perspective, through the different experiences and places I've been, and through the array of differing viewpoints and attitudes I've come across along the way.
• Ruminating on negatives. May posit an argument for what is a negative but in this case it'd be topics that the general social considers negative.
• High cannabis use for several years straight. I don't think this could have had lasting effects as deep as what ADHD/I'm experiencing now.
• Generally accepting or considering that day-to-day tasks are challenging. Surely most people don't struggle with day-to-day stuff in the manner I do? Though it seems that people with ADHD struggle with day-to-day stuff the way that I do.
• Difference with/from ADHD and Big5 personality. I think this is negligible; the personality tests give an indication of where those aspects of your personality sit in relation with the other people being tested. Having ADHD or not would still mean that your personality would be in relation with other people.
• What is ADHD? (apart from having a terrible name). Neurochemical and physiological differences, generally deficits.
• Is there correlation between ADHD and attitudes, belief systems, culture, ect? Not in the way I was originally approaching this. 
• What about the framework and theories humans use to explain/understand the world or how they operate within it? Again, not in the way I was originally approaching this. 
• ADHD and head injuries (e.g., ACP)
• What about testing for neurochemical imbalances? Without actually taking tissue samples, possibly the next best thing would be taking dopamine/noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (stimulants) and seeing how they influence the distractibility and focus.
• What about the consideration that my current situation is, in a sense, new and different for me. This may be the first time I'm consciously trying to dedicate myself to achieving a long term outcome. Up till ending high school I had little input on my life and what I was doing. Moving to Townsville was me leaving my current situation and trying to make sense of something. Having figured out that I need a goal, or direction, to orientate myself towards I tried to become a professional LoL player and the way that differs from now is that I was still playing competitive sports/games and they basically play themselves - very different to learning how to have relationships with people or helping others overcome their own problems. I went to uni out of curiosity, and with no further plan went fruit picking to get away from things and think for myself. I joined the army, and all its structures, with the desire to enter combat situations. Now I'm trying to structure the rest of my life, both my internal and external life, so that I'll be competent in helping other people make their lives better - is that not different enough that some aspects of the ADHD symptoms don't make sense? (not really). I've been in my current situation for almost 1.5 years and it's pretty stable, the fact that I'm still having difficulties with routine, planning, emotions, distractions, ect, ect, which are the things that people with ADHD have trouble with. I think at this point, considering how stable my situation has been, ADHD seems most likely.

4) The conclusion after a hiatus. Will the questions from 3) ever be answered?

Given my limited knowledge, essentially ADHD is the name given when the brain doesn't have enough of certain chemicals, most notably Dopamine. Other chemical/s include noradrenaline.

It seems that some of the strongest evidence in favor of ADHD is that I've been taking Modafinil, a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, for help me get motivated and stay focused on getting day-to-day tasks and study done.

Another strong indicator for me is alternating between these two generalised states: 1) difficulties focusing on any thing, low motivation to do anything, easily distracted, or 2) obsessed/hyperfocused on one thing, and highly stimulated when it comes to that one thing.